A Biblical 5-Step Process for Giving Advice.

By Sarah Koontz, Edited by M. Winters.

As I reflect on my character I realise that I have a nasty habit of offering unsolicited advice which is a habit of a lifetime and working in Healthcare I have had to always be offering advice.

If you have a problem, I have a solution, this is how I’m wired.

The disadvantage of constantly giving advice to those who don’t ask is that it often has a negative impact on your relationship with others.

Why?

Because no one likes a serial advice giver or someone that points out error. A need is not always an invitation, A problem does not always have a solution, and a friend isn’t always looking to be fixed.

Just because I have advised to offer for insight into a person’s situation does not mean that I should offer it.

Luke 6:31 says, “Just as you want others to do to you, do the same for them”

This first sets a wonderful standard for us, as Christians. It reminds us how important it is to respect and serve in the same way we want to be respected and served.

When someone offers me unsolicited advice, I have a raft of feelings, sometimes hurt, sometimes frustration, sometimes devalued and I question there right to tell me what to do.

I, on reflection, realise this is what my friends must be feeling when I give them advice.

So this article is for all those who want the best for loved ones and friends, but like me have struggled to know how and when to give advice.

Sarah identified that the following steps have helped many people shift from what she called a clanging gong ( 1 Corinthians 13:1) to a person sought out by other s for wise counsel ( Proverbs 12:15).

Wait patiently for people to invite you into their pain. Then and only then cautiously proceed through this 5 step process.

This process helps open the doors for God to restore and redeem the broken hearted.

STEP 1: LISTEN

“The purpose of a mans heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them”. Proverbs 20:5 NIV

Good listening skills are essential if you want to build successful and vibrant relationships.

Through active listening and thoughtful question asking, you can accurately assess a person.

You are not only gathering information but beginning to stir their heart with your questions and guiding conversation toward step two.

Allowing the person to talk about what is important to them builds trust and increases your understanding of their unique perspective.

STEP 2: DISCERN

“Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue”. Proverbs 17:28 NIV

In the New Testament, Jesus Christ utilized questions to reprove, teach, involve and determine the quality of peoples faith.

He also used questions to guide thought and awaken people morally.

In fact he asked more that 297 questions during his public ministry.

Asking thoughtful questions will help you discern what that person is looking for.

Do they just need to vent or are they seeking your counsel?

Most of my conversations end on this step because I have made a personal commitment not to proceed further unless people have specifically asked for my advice.

I would encourage you to do the same, as people are rarely receptive to unsolicited advice.

STEP 3: ADVICE

“Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you”. Matthew 5:38 NIV

A well known counsellor by the name of Jeff VanVonderen stated advice givers are to say only “the shortest thing.”

It is imperitive we limit our advice to the particular aspect of the individuals life they are seeking help in.

The more time and energy you have invested in this relationship, the more tempting it is to get overly- enthusiastic in your advice giving.

The key to successful advice giving is to only give one small piece of advice and immediately evaluate how they respond before giving more.

STEP 4: EVALUATE

“Do not give dogs what is sacred, do not throw your pearls to the pigs”. Matthew 7:1 NIV

Although you’ve built the bridge of a relationship to carry the weight of truth, you still must navigate the bridge one small step at a time.

One small truth at a time in a kind, loving, non-judgemental manner.

Evaluate how they respond, do they open a bit more by asking a follow up question ? or do they toss it back in your face and withdraw safely behind a locked door?

Do they quickly apply the truth, or do they fail to change?

This is the most valuable step in the advice giving process because it will be the foundation upon which you build all future conversations.

STEP 5: RELEASE

“For it is God who works in you to will and act according to his good purpose”. Philippians 2:13 NIV.

Once you have faithfully walked through the first four steps of the advice giving process, it is time to release the results of the conversation into the hands of your loving saviour.

No matter how much you care for this individual, it is not your job to fix their problems.

You have given your advice, now its time to trust that the Lord is a t work in the midst of their pain.

This step is absolutely crucial because it protects you from drowning in other peoples problems.

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Sarah Koontz writes This five step process has been a fantastic guide for me , equipping me to be effective in my ministry without over-extending myself. We all need to learn how to serve others without being consumed by peoples problems or over stepping and trying to fix and help everyone when they just wanted to talk.